On Turning 30 {Birthday Reflections}

Today is my thirtieth birthday.

There have been a few significant birthdays before, but this one feels especially important to me. Starting a new decade with confidence and grace inevitably invites reflection on the years that have passed. So on this day, I'm sharing a little bit more about me (plus a few pics of me through the years) as I cross into a brand new decade of Ashley.

It's cliche to say that time moves pretty quickly, but being on the threshold of a new decade has really struck me for some reason. When this age was a far off vision in the horizon, thirty seemed like the time when adults 'got it together' and finally fully embodied the person they intended to be. If that's the case, I don't know if I'm ready for thirty.

But at thirty--and certainly for about the last year or so--I'm pretty okay with myself. Please don't underestimate the significance of that statement, readers, because I've always been deeply insecure, shy and filled with more self-doubts than the average bear. I find the prospects of sharing my picture here, for example, tremendously scary.

You see, I've held on to major insecurities about my appearance (after being called "Casper" mercilessly as an adolescent), about my intelligence (after the trials and tribulations of unemployment), about my ability to make friends (after one of my most significant friendships ended with a cold email send-off) for a long time.

Yet, like I said, I'm entering my thirties ready to leave those self-doubts behind.

Sure, I'm pale. White as a ghost in fact! I think it's pretty and so does my dermatologist! That's right, I think I'm pretty. There was a time when I never would have thought that, let alone wrote it for the world to see. It's taken a lot for me to get to this place and I'm happy I'm here.

Sure, I'm unemployed right now and it stinks. I want it to change but I'm slowly accepting that the circumstances we find ourselves in life often lie outside of our control. I'm going to do my damnedest not to allow my current employment status to dictate my self-worth or undermine my accomplishments.

I went to an Ivy League grad school, damnit! That's something to be tremendously proud of.

Sure, one of my best friends ended our friendship over a short-and-sweet email. But, I'm okay! Maybe stronger in fact. I'm a good-hearted, interesting, compassionate person who is worthy of friendship and is capable of giving friendship. 

Plus, I have the most loving, smartest, kindest, all-around hottest best friend a girl could ask for right here.

These reflections that I've spelled out here in black and white may seem haughty at first. That's certainly not how I mean them. If anything, I want to expel the self-doubt, the regret and the insecurity I've held onto for too long.

Instead, the space those doubts leave behind will be filled with this self-exhortation from author Henry James:

(all via Meet Me in Philadelphia)

"All life is--at my age, with all one's artistic soul the record of it--in one's pocket, as it were. Go on, my boy, and strike hard...Try everything, do everything, render everything--be an artist, be distinguished to the last."

Here's to turning thirty. Let's see what I can make of the year to come!